Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that I want to be when I grow up. I know I’m already grown up, but I still don’t feel like an adult so I’m going to stick with that phrasing.
I keep going back to wanting to do something clinical, despite my dread of having to work 1-on-1 with clients. I think it’s because I truly believe in the power of therapy and how healing it can be to have a good mental health clinician. I’ve seen what it can do with myself, and if everybody had the self esteem, education, and all of the other privileges needed in order to attain self actualization, I feel so many others could achieve amazing things by creating and following their dreams too. I know that this healing is possible to spread on a larger scale, but feel like I need to learn the foundations of those clinical skills in order to figure out how. I admire clinicians so much, probably because most of the ones I’ve met in my life seem to always know the healthiest way to be mentally and emotionally. It’s almost like a nirvana I want to reach. I also know I want to continue to work with clinicians in my life.
And even though I would probably never work directly with clients after my clinical training, I do think I might even enjoy working with certain populations – Clients that are, for lack of a better word, more “extreme.” Like prison populations, or gang kids. I fit in with this crowd a bit more. I’ve taken a longer peek into their world of (usually) severely traumatized childhoods, a history of acting out, doing drugs, partying. We’re the type to have gotten homemade tattoos and have lived in a violent environment at some point during life.
I want to bring the P/CVE efforts more into the global mental health space. I’m not sure if I’ll end up being the one to do that, but I at least want to try. I want to continue doing research, but I also want to travel more through my research, getting back into the “global” of global mental health. While I want to stay rooted in mental health, I also want to take on a multidisciplinary research career, because societal problems need a more combined approach from all sectors to be tamed. People tell me that I should figure out what one discipline to start out from, just get my PhD in it and then go do my thing. But I wonder if the multidisciplinary piece in and of itself is important to learn through a PhD. And why can’t I just do it all?
I’m happy I got back into reading, because I had forgotten how much I love just learning about things through books. I’ve lately been getting more into books on philosophy. It’s been a lot of reading, and writing in my journals, and reflecting about how what I’ve read applies to my life, and having discussions with others about using the combination of it all – my lived experiences and learnings – to make society better now.
I want to be a philosopher too in a way. I also ponder on what the meaning of life is and how our questions or beliefs about our existence shapes our views on morality and justice, violence and humanity. We’re all just animals at the end of the day, we have brains that create our behaviors, and if we can harness our minds with the help of science, we behave in ways that will create a healthier society.
I told my supervisor that I want to be a scholar, an intellectual. How does one become that? I’m not sure I have the answer. Is it when I can get paid to write and read, to think, philosophize, and create? I already do that to some degree. But what if I could do more of it in the ways that I want? If I could fund myself through writing grants, enough to live not just a decent life but a good one – one in which I can afford to take time off to do my artwork, see my friends, live a balanced life, that would be a dream. It’s at this point in my day dreaming that I tell myself that my best luck would be to find a sugar daddy to fund all my dreams. Because it always comes down to money, right? Well, since I am sans sugar daddy, I’ll have to keep forging ahead with scholarship applications and the like for the meantime.
I also have less career-move-y things I want to do in my life. I want to live in the Netherlands at some point, but I also have recently begun to appreciate building a community in a geographically close area. The art community and networks I’ve created here has made it in many ways my home base. There’s also something to be said about having a community built online through social media and also around the world. I’ve found different forms of healing in all these types of communities. I want to become more of an artist, and especially learn to tattoo. I want a full back piece, with lace details and Disney-like castles. I want to write a book, and learn more ballet, and definitely get more therapy and education.
After living much of my life being told what to do, it’s difficult trying to come up with what I want to do for myself. I’m learning though, and every time I progress an inch, I can feel myself growing up a little bit more.